Kids Say The Funniest Things...
The Difference between boys and girls...
Some Boy Scouts from
the big city were on a camping trip for the first time.
A little girl walks
into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
A little boy goes to his dad and
asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says,
A boy and a girl were behind a
barn one day. The girl told the boy, "I have to quit eating chicken,
because I am growing chicken hair."
A little girl is in line to see
Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Never Argue with a Child
A Kindergarten teacher was
observing her classroom of children
A Sunday school teacher was
discussing the Ten Commandments with
One day a little girl was
sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly noticed that her mother
The children had all been
photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it
when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A teacher was giving a lesson on
the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she
said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
The children were lined up in
the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of
the table was a large pile of apples.
Things I've learned from my
Children (honest & no kidding):
The mind of a 6-year old is
wonderful. First grade...true story:
Out of the mouths of babes comes
the Dead Cat Test, a true story:
It was opening night at the
Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping
SHORT STORY JOKES
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, are reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .. What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. Why should I be? He's my son and I love him very much. Besides he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...
After a long illness, a woman
died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
Cash or charge?
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.
I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
What's your father's
occupation?" asked the teacher on the first day of the new academic
Bubba & Earl were in the local
bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity
A couple, both age 76, went to a
sex therapist's office.
Drunk in a Confessional
hearts and roses and kisses
An Irishman, an Italian, and a
Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that
the bar is a nice place.
A Southerner is having his
breakfast (coffee, grits, biscuits, and jam) when a Northerner chewing
obnoxiously on gum sits down next to him. The Southerner ignores
the Northerner who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
On the first day God created the
cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long
and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
A Mom is driving a little girl
to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks,
"how old are you?"
A man went into the
proctologist's office for his first colo-rectal exam. The doctor told
him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him
in just a few minutes.
A man and a woman are driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses it out the car window. Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter. The little girl is chatting away with her father, when all of a sudden, the penis smacks the windshield of the car, sticks for a moment, and flies off. Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose his daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey." The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't it?!!"
A teacher asks her class, "If
there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many
will be left?" She calls on little Johnny, and he replies,
> > Subject: American
History Lesson. It was the first day of school and a new student, the
son of a Japanese businessman, named Suzuki, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?"
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard the plane land and her son saying
"All you sons of bitches who
want off, get the hell off
The horrified mother went
in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his plane.
Soon the plane landed and the
mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking
Some popup warnings that have been seen on the net, made up or should exist.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son."What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I guess I just panicked...."
Did you hear about the new instant lottery game in India. You scratch the ticket, and if the dot matches the one on your forehead, you win a convenience store in the United States.
These two guys..
These two guys had each just
gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with
women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to
Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
A train hits a bus
load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven
trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
Two friends were playing
golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so
he asked his friend if he had one.
Two golfers were waiting their turn on the tee when a naked
Farmers, farms and farming
A farmer goes out and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon! Just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop." The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start." So, they line up in back of the farm house and get a chicken to cluck, "Go!" The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later, the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up sees what's going on grabs his shotgun and BOOM! - blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it, third gay rooster I bought this week!"
A farm boy accidentally
overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby
heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget
your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the
wagon up later."
THE RANCHERS WIFE
Thanks to my cousin Dick! He sends regular mail, so come back for the new ones!
Jokes about Old Age and old folks!
Mildred and Chester knew
each other from childhood but were in their nineties when they
got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass
Two old guys,
pushing their carts around inside a Wal-Mart, meet when they
Q. What's the
fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
Q: How can you tell when a man's had an
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough
Boy bends over?
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
Q. What is the difference between a drug
dealer and a hooker?
> Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitute?
> Q. Why do women call it PMS?
> Q. What's a mixed feeling?
> Q. What's the height of conceit?
> Q. What's the definition of macho?
> Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot
and a golf ball?
> Q. How can you tell the porno star at the
> Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice
> Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
> Q. What is a Yankee?
> Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in
> Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have
> Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"
> Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat
> Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
> Q: What's the difference between purple and
> Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist
> Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
> Q: What's the difference between a
girlfriend and a wife?
> Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend
and a husband?
> Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
> Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is
the bird of true love?
> Q: What is the difference between medium and
> Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
> Q. Why do most women pay more attention to
their appearance than improving
> Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get
up in the morning?
>Q. What doesn't belong in this list:
>Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
>Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
>Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in
>Q. What's the difference between your
>Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
>Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm
>Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann
and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
>Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic
just had sex?
>Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
>Q. Whats the difference between parsley and
>Q. What's green, slimy and smells like Miss
>Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
>Q. What does bungee
jumping and hookers have in common?
An artist, a lawyer, and
a computer geek are discussing the merits of having a mistress.
When Bill and
Hillary first got married, Bill said, "I am putting a box
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied "I don't know, I never had one."
American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to have become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Moe, Larry & Curly.
Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
You know, politicians and diapers have one thing in common. Both should be changed regularly, and for the same reason!
Clinton will be recorded in History as, "The only President to do HANKY- PANKY between BUSH'ES"
He calmly replied..............."Watching the game with my son-in-law."
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
If you are quick enough
Four men were bragging about how
smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an
Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government
A day in a cats diary....................
> DAY 752 - My
captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
How to bathe the
They were together in the
Okay, the typical blonds jokes....................
Blondes version of Football.....
She Was Soooooo Blonde...
Blonde was invited out for a
night with "the girls".
A cop saw a blonde down on her
knees under a streetlight. "Can I help
How can you tell when a blonde
is wearing pantyhose? When she farts, her
One morning, a blonde called her
boyfriend and said, "Please come over and help me. I have
this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
>A young ventriloquist touring the clubs is doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and shouts: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor"
Quite taken aback, the embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize but the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
A man was in his front yard
mowing his grass when his attractive blond neighbor came out of the
house and rushed straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked in, then
slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
The Blonde Get's
There was a blonde woman who was
having financial troubles so she
Okay, now on to golfers...............................
Toward the end of the golf
course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Now, how about NewYorkers..................
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked
by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of
the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists,
breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the
incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
SUBJECT: MORAL QUESTION
A very powerful word
You can be shit faced,
shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
You can find yourself
in deep shit , or be happier than a pig in shit .
A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.
The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."
So, the artist goes ahead and
does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why
this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he
really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the
$1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason
for putting a $100 bill on his willie.
DUE TO THE
EXTREME DROUGHT IN FLORIDA, THE FOLLOWING CAUTION WAS ISSUED:
Why Guys Have All The Luck
Subject: Reflections of George Carlin
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
AUDI: Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
One night a police officer was
staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A COP...
Bumper Stickers and One Liners
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a
There was a Midwestern
phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole
installers and the boss had to choose between a team of Polish guys and
a team of Irish guys.
lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
The Lone Ranger
MOSES: And God came down
from the Heavens, and He said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross
the road!" And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
Okay, now some jokes about aging and the elderly....
PERKS OF BEING "OVER 40":
LAWYERS ! ! !
> It seems that a lawyer had a
little bit too much to drink and on his way home and rear-ended the car
in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the
driver of the other car and said, "Boy, are you in trouble! I'm a
A doctor and a lawyer were
talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly
interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor
for free medical advice.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
> Little Red Riding Hood is
skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind
a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
A tourist walked into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotics, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking he decided he must have it. He asked the owner, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat. One hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat. You can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and they were following him down the street. This was disconcerting. He began trotting. Within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were squealing. He ran toward the bay. He looked around and saw that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, they were squealing loudly, and they were coming toward him fast. Scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and they all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop.
"Aha," said the owner, "you have come back for the story?"...
"No," said the man. "I came back to see if you have a bronze Jesse Jackson"
>What Gender is it?
Differential Theory of US Armed
Forces upon encountering a critter in the Area of Operations:
Over 200 military personell NO-NOs, by 'Specialist Schwarz'
1. Not allowed to watch
Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.
Maria just got married, and
being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding
night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother
reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and
he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony
took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked
into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal "
Woman's email to Tech Support:
> > 1. Your potted plants are still alive.
> > And you can't smoke a single one of them.
> > 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
> > 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
> > 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
> > 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
> > 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
> > 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
> > 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
> > 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
> > 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door
> > don't know how to turn down the stereo.
> > 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
> > 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
> > 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
> > 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
> > 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
> > 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
> > 17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of
> > 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset,
> > rather than settle, your stomach.
> > 19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and
> > pregnancy test kits.
> > 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
> > 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
> > 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going
> > drink that much again."
> > 23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
> > 24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
> > 25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply
> > you !
return to top
If the little black jockey in your front
yard is real…you might be a republican
If your daughter is a lesbian and your wife writes soft porn…you might be a republican
If you don’t have any relatives or know anyone serving in Iraq…you might be a republican
If you know at least one person who is a good Christian and is serving time in prison for molesting someone underage…you might be a republican.
If you fudge environmental reports instead of breaking into the Watergate hotel…you might be a republican.
If you know Jeff Gannon in more than a spiritual nature…you might be a republican
If you have ever made an obscene gesture into a television camera…YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN.
If your idea of hosting a GOP house party means renting some Mary Carey videos and tossing your car keys into a bowl along with the others…you might be a republican.
If you have sent a bloody mail a gram to Howard Dean that was written on stationary from the unofficial Strom Thurmond library and Cuban relief army outpost…you might be a republican.
If your idea of CSI is Coulter, Sean Hannity, and Immigration…you might be a republican.
If you deny your own party in order to support the nomination of judicial nominees in order to get a hold of GOP freebie fun bags…you might be a republican.
If you viewed Pearl Harbor as a marvelous chance to improve the economy…you might be a republican
If your idea of election reform is to eliminate the ability of democrats to cast a vote…you might be a republican
If you think a living wage is below the poverty line…you might be a republican
If you have ever been asked to identify a victim so a rapist could go free, if you have ever covered up bruises for a television interview outside a polling station, if you have ever given bad directions to a democrat who was looking for a polling station…you might be a republican.
If you have ever removed names of African American citizens of the state of Florida from the official election tally then years later decided to run for the senate…you might be a republican.
If your Yule log uses batteries…you might be a republican.
If your turn on’s include William F. Buckley…you might be a republican.
If you are so radically right wing you’ll change Charleston Heston’s diaper just to get a chance to shake Oliver North’s hand…you might be a republican.
If your church collection plate is full of polaroids…you might be a republican.
If your home sexual device is rigged for full auto…you might be a republican.
If the arms you trade for hostages come from the shoulders of Iraqi civilians…you might be a republican.
If your idea of a vacation is a beach in earshot of the detainees at Guantanamo Bay…you might be a republican.
If you take the word of an old white man in a dress and don’t use a condom when engaging in illicit sex with an underage white Christian in your congregation and get arrested due to the spread of your DNA…you might be a republican.
If you believe that there will be peace in the middle east if only Al Oueida can be allowed to join in the torture in Abu Grahaid…you might be a republican.
If you date a woman just to get the vote of her husband on your legislation…you might be a republican.
If you can’t to travel on your own money and use campaign funds to justify a delegation to a golf course…you might be a republican.
If you deny the existence of greenhouse gases until they ruin your vacation home..you might be a republican.
If you post on a message board and use continuous profanity and don’t offer any solutions just more empty rhetoric. you might be a republican.
If you criticize the leader of your party for telling the truth about the opposition…you might be a republican.
If you believe that pundits screaming at each other at the same time is constructive…you might be a republican.
If you believe there is such a thing as a compassionate conservative…you might be a republican.
If you believe stem cell research has something to do with the legalization of marijuana…you might be a republican.
If you believe words like genocide and famine are just an advertising gimmick used by the liberal voter…you might be a republican.
If your definition of race relations is the press conference before a Nascar race…you might be a republican.
If you are an embedded reporter and voted conservative on an absentee ballot…you might be a republican.
If you give to a political campaign just because someone reads someone else’s words off a teleprompter…you might be a republican.
If you can’t see that the Democratic Party is in danger of becoming a mirror image of the Republican Party…you might be a Republican.
If you can disseminate between right and wrong and simply choose not to. you might be a Republican.
If you rail against liberals and communists and still smoke illegally imported Cuban cigars…you might be a Republican.
If your idea of a school lunch program is white milk for white students and chocolate milk for African-American students…you might be a Republican.
If you put your house up for sale the very day an African-American family moves into your neighborhood…you might be a Republican.
If you pass a peace initiative and still supply arms to those that are fighting…you might be a Republican.
> My first job was working in an orange
juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
> Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
> After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. mainly because it was a so-so job.
> Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
> I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
> Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
> I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
> My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
> I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
> Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
> I became a professional fisherman, ! but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
> I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
> I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
> So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
> Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was too shocking.
> After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
> My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
> SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB