Please feel free to submit something to pith at smokr.info
Firstly, a complaint.................................................
think it started when Madeline Murray O'Hare (she was murdered,
her body was found recently) complained she didn't want any
prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then, someone said you better not read the Bible in school... the Bible that says thou shalt not kill; thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said, OK.
Then, Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide) and we said, an expert should know what he's talking about so we said OK.
Then, someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. And the school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don't want any bad publicity, and we surely don't want to be sued (There's big difference between disciplining and touching, beating, smacking, humiliating, kicking, etc.) And we said, OK.
And then someone said let our daughters have abortions and they won't even have to tell their parents. And we said, OK.
Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they're going to do it anyway, let's give our sons all the condoms they want, so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won't have to tell their parents they got them at school. And we said, OK.
And then someone said let's print magazines with pictures of nude children and then stepped further still by making them available on the Internet. And we said OK; they're entitled to their free speech.
And then the entertainment industry said, let's make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex. And let's record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes. And we said it's just entertainment, it has no adverse effect, and nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out.
"Dear God, Why didn't you save the little girl killed in her classroom? Sincerely, Concerned Student...
AND THE REPLY "Dear Concerned Student, I am not allowed in schools. Sincerely, God."
The mind of a six-year
old is wonderful. First grade...true story.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused, and then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little boy raised his hand and said,
"I think he said: "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
The other day
I was in the local auto parts store. A lady came in and asked
for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other
and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how and I need a new one." "What kind of a car is it on," they asked?
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten but no, she said its a Buick. "OK lady, how big is it?" She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. "What does it do?," we asked. She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in
diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter laughing so hard in hysterics.
One guy said, "I think you want an oil cap." She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call it,
I just need one, and I don't see what is so damned funny about it."
Yes, she was a blonde.
Note: If you read "710" upside down.... it is spells OIL!!
MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the two ex-cons down - - and shot their testicles off!
"The old lady spent a week hunting those bums down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way," said admiring Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.
"Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.'
Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his Penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the seedy hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said.
"The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,"
Detective Delp told reporters. "Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through."
The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped by two knife-wielding creeps. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the police would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker.
"And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' it all my life."
So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's Description of the sickos' car, tough-as-nails!
Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.
"I know it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them," the ornery oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really
hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in."
Now, baffled lawmen are tying to figure out how to deal with the vigilante granny.
"What she did was wrong, but you can't really throw an 81-year-old woman in prison." Detective Delp said, "especially when all 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood."
Out of the mouths of babes comes the
Dead Cat Test, a true story:
> A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
> She asked if it was dead or alive.
> "Dead," she was informed.
> "How do you know?", she asked.
> "Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently.
> "You did WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
> "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move
return to top
Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your vehicle...especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by! The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
One day a father of a very wealthy
family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose
of showing his son how poor people live.
They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father
asked. "Oh, yeah," said the son.
"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
With this the boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks, dad, for showing me how poor we are."
> If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:
> 57 Asians
> 21 Europeans
> 14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
> 8 Africans
> 52 would be female
> 48 would be male
> 70 would be non-white
> 30 would be white
> 70 would be non-Christian
> 30 would be Christian
> 89 would be heterosexual
> 11 would be homosexual
> 6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.
> 80 would live in substandard housing
> 70 would be unable to read
> 50 would suffer from malnutrition
> 1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
> 1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
> 1 would own a computer
Did you know...
A dime has 118 ridges
around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand; lollipop" with your right.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
Now you know everything!
The first couple to be
shown in bed together on prime time television were Fred and
Coca-Cola was originally green
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear and smell better.
> The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska
> The percentage of Africa that is wilderness is 28%. The percentage of North America that is wildernessis 38%.
> The cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
> The average number of people airborne over the US at any given hour is 61,000.
> Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
> San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -Charlemagne; Diamonds - Julius Caesar
> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
> Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
> "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
> The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "The whole 9 yards."
> Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
> The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
> The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
> The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
> The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores "Ring around the rosey", these sores would smell very badly so common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores "a pocket full of posies" Furthermore, people who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease "ashes, ashes, we all fall down"
> Conception occurs more often in December than any other month
> Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.
> If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to One thousAnd until you found the letter "A"?
> Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women.
> Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil..
> There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year
> Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
> 40% of all people at a party will snoop in your medicine cabinet.
True computer repair techs' horror stories...
Recently, I got a call from someone who turned off his computer whenever he found himself somewhere in Windows he didn't want to be. "I just turn it off when I don't like where I am," he said. Wonder of all wonders, scandisk found a score of lost allocation units and bad sectors.
An man purchased a laptop from me. He called about a week later and said that it would no longer boot up. He brought it in, and I discovered that sixteen nicely drilled holes were in the bottom of the case. I asked him about it, and he said the machine was too hot sitting on his lap, so he had drilled these "air holes."
"Could that be the problem?" he asked
We got a tech support call from one of our customers saying that she couldn't get the tape out of the drive following the nightly backup run. After getting nowhere on the phone, we eventually sent someone out to have a look at it. It was one of the old QIC tapes, the ones that have a hefty metal plate down one side that physically prevents you from putting them in the wrong way around. Our fearless customer was not to be deterred, however. When she couldn't push the tape in (because it was the wrong way around), she tried forcing it in, but to no avail. Then she resorted to getting a spoon and using it as a lever to force the tape into the drive. Not surprisingly, it wouldn't come out the following morning. She needed a new tape drive.
A customer had bought a computer from us about a year ago and a Voodoo 3 card just yesterday. He took it home and tried to install it but couldn't, so he brought them both in this morning. He ranted and raved, etc. He had reboxed the Voodoo 3, expecting a replacement, so we took the computer and the Voodoo 3 in the back and told him we would fit it for free. When we opened the box for the Voodoo 3, it was in a terrible state. The bit of metal that attaches the card to the case was taken off, and a wee heatsink had been scraped off the chip with a screwdriver. I reglued the sink and reattached the backplate. So we opened the machine, and tried to fit the card. Ack. Card is AGP, computer has exactly zero AGP slots. So we went back to the front.
Sure enough, if you remove the heatsink and backplate, turn the card around, and really hammer just right
We explained that the AGP card was completely destroyed and
he had voided the warranty on it by hacking away at it with
a screwdriver. The usual mad customer vs. techie exchange ensued,
but he eventually backed down and bought the PCI version instead...and
got us to fit it.
Recently, my uncle managed to talk my grandmother into getting herself a computer to replace WebTV, which she had used for two years. Not a day after receiving her computer, she called me to ask for some help setting it up, saying she had done everything right but couldn't get it to work. I asked her if it was turned on -- she said it turned on just fine, but she couldn't see a picture.
I asked her to check her monitor connections and make sure they were in tight.
I decided I'd need to pay her a visit and see the damage for myself. Upon arriving to her house, she led me to the area where she had set her computer up. Immediately, I saw the problem. She was attempting to use her TV set as her monitor. I explained to her that she needed a proper computer monitor before she could do anything.
"The man at the store said I could use my TV just like WebTV," she said. "Why should I spend two hundred dollars on another
I looked at the back of the television and, sure enough, over each one of the connectors, she had hot glued one of the computer attachments -- including the modem line and her speaker cord.
"He tried to sell me one of those tiny TV things to sit on the computer, but I told him I had a perfectly good 20 inch one at home, and he said it would work fine!"
It took a bit of doing to convince her that the salesman had probably thought she had meant she had a 20 inch monitor
In the end, I concluded that while the television and monitor cable could probably be saved, she would need a new modem cable and speaker cord.
I worked at a photo lab in New Mexico. Part of my job was
outputing digital files to a film recorder. Everyone there was
friendly, except for one woman who never seemed to like me.
After a few months I asked my boss about it. He told me that
before I got there, they had tried to train her to do the digital
output. They even paid for her to go to a class to learn about
computers. She was the only student in the class who managed
to get a floppy stuck in the drive upside down and backwards.
The teacher had to disassemble the machine to get the disk out.
She told him she had to pound it with the heal of her hand to
get the disk to go in. After that, the photo lab decided she
probably wasn't the one for that position. She always resented
the fact that I had 'her' job.
A friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) bought a brand new Toshiba laptop computer last year since his "old" one was a model from the year before. He worked in the computer services office on campus here at our university. He decided one night that to impress his co-workers he would make his new laptop more decorative. He bought a can of emerald green Krylon spray paint and sprayed his entire computer (screen, mouse, keyboard, casing, and all) with it. He was shocked to find that his computer wouldn't work afterwards and decided the paint must be at fault. So the next day he bought a can of Goo Gone and a bottle of paint thinner and poured them both on his computer, then rinsed it off in the sink.
Again, he was shocked when his computer wouldn't work. He was even more shocked when Circuit City told him they wouldn't refund his money or exchange his computer for a new one.
I once had a customer whose cdrom drive wasn't working -- I suspect the reason was old or missing drivers, but the customer had tried to fix the problem himself. He thought the problem was that the CD had to sit tightly in the tray, so she took a paper clip, put it through the center hole of the CD, and fastened it to the drive tray. When he tried to use the drive that way, he was greeted with grinding noises caused by the disintegrating drive mechanism.
My mom had some problems with her system and figured she'd get a new modem. After she installed it, there were more problems than before. It turned out the modem was an ISA modem, and she somehow managed to put it into a PCI slot. How, I have no idea.
Once I was asked to help a friend with her modem troubles. Apparently (and I don't pretend to understand this) the company she works for has a modem hookup that is so slow that her PC's 56K modem cannot connect to it, so her husband installed the company-supplied Viking external modem. I've long since learned not to question user-logic, so I just check the back of the system to locate the modem and plug the phone line into it. For some reason, the slot the modem is occupying is too small for the phone jack to plug in to. Naturally I take off the cover and take a look. To my utter horror, this PCI modem had been "uninstalled" by being pulled out of the slot -- still screwed in, mind you -- and tilted upward so it rested on the top of the PCI slot. Why? The woman's husband insisted that Windows 98 would crash if you had more than one modem installed.
A customer came into the store one day to return an internal modem, which he had purchased a few days earlier. He complained that it would not work. I took the modem out of the package and could scarcely believe my eyes.
The card had been filed down to about half its original size.
I used to be a technician on the U.S.S. Ranger, an aircraft carrier, just before the Gulf War. A new commanding officer had just come on board, and, in preparation for our excursion out to Iraq, he ordered that we go through all our spaces and ensure that everything was secured in place, so that if we hit rough seas, or hit something explosive, there wouldn't be debris flying everywhere. Fairly standard routine.
About two days later, the Ranger's marine detachment called my shop and said, "Our computer is broken." So I head down to the detachment office to take a look. These PCs were the old Zenith Z-248 desktop models, secured with four zillion screws and weighing in at what seemed like half a ton. Our marines had taken the order to secure things pretty seriously, because they had done it with two half inch lag bolts. They had drilled straight through the case, the mother board, the bottom of the case, and the desk it was sitting on, to drop the lag bolts in place.
They couldn't figure out what was wrong, but they knew that
it wasn't going anywhere.
A user brought in a rather dirty Sony VAIO system to get a new power supply. The thing was dirty and beat up. He set it on the counter, and the side panel popped right open, and the thing was grubby inside. We saw one little tiny bug scurry out of it, and we killed it.
The system was brought in back to the garage, to clean it out. The thing was crawling
When we told the user about the amount of bugs (and charging him a little extra for our trouble), he said, "Well, I'm not surprised. We had this thing out by our kitchen." Egads.
About a year ago, I was called out to do field service. When I got to the lady's house and was let in, the first thing I noticed was the smell of gunpowder. The second, the double barreled 12-gauge shotgun lying on the couch. Third, the big gaping hole in the side of her computer. (It was one of those Macs where the CPU and monitor are in the same housing.)
I looked at her. She was a little grey haired woman, around 60 or so. Had she?
I mumbled something about not being a Mac tech and told her I would send one out as soon as I could. Then I burned rubber out of there.
About a month later, my boss called me in; he had the woman on hold. She had apparently complained that I was not competent and that I had lied when I said I would send out a competent Mac tech -- or perhaps I just hadn't been able to find anyone competent working for us. I filled him in. He paused for a second, picked up the phone, and said, "Ma'am? Did you put a shotshell into your computer? ... Uh huh...I'm sorry, ma'am, we really can't...well, no.... I'll try to send one out.... Nice doing business with you...." He hung up, looked at me, and said, "You think any of our Mac techs will go?" I shook my head. "Me neither."
We heard from her again last week, when my boss told me that the woman had called up to cuss me out, saying not only was I a "young whippersnapper" but also a liar, since one of our competitors had fixed her computer just fine, even fixing the little scratches and stuff on the monitor glass. That sounded fishy, so I went over and talked with the techs. After a case of canned drinks and a few bags of junk food, I wormed the whole story out of them. Apparently, about the only salvagable part was the hard drive (which the buckshot had missed), so they took it out, went out and bought a whole new computer, slapped the hard drive in, and presented it to the lady as her repaired computer -- of course charging her an arm and a leg.
A friend of mine asked me to take a look at her computer. She said the computer was unusually "quiet" and would reboot itself on occasion. I surmised correctly that the fan on her power supply was faulty. She was a chain smoker and apparently smoked a lot while working on the computer; not only was the power supply fan gummed up with revolting tar and nicotine, but the CPU's cooling fan was clogged beyond use, and the cdrom drive drawer would not open. This is the only computer I have ever worked on that died from smoking.
I've seen a computer die from smoking, too.
A customer came in with a dead computer, claimed it was under warranty, and asked if we could fix it. We had look at it, and before we even laid eyes on it, we could smell
We looked at the yellow case (it was supposed to be beige) and the date of purchase (3-4 months previous) and goggled in disbelief that she actually had any lungs left.
"What are you doing with this computer?" I asked in total disbelief.
It was at a taxi service. She smoked, the cabbies smoked, and the room was apparently only about eight by twelve. Smoking took place 24/7 in this place, and her fingers and the computer bore witness. We opened the case, and there were visible deposits of brown tar everywhere
We had to tell her she was on her own. Naturally, she countered with the "it's under warranty" argument, but the computer was well beyond that. She left quite mad. We insisted she take her computer with her when she left.
I do PC support for a national waste disposal company. I troubleshooted a PC in Alabama once. The PC gave a disk error when it was turned on. I placed a system disk floppy in the drive and tried to boot off that, but it didn't work. Then, when I removed the disk, it was covered in dirt. I opened the computer and found several inches of caked mud on the inside. I asked the site supervisor about it. He told me there had been a flood, but they had cleaned off the PC.
A friend of mine was calling in, complaining that his computer suddenly making very strange noises. knowing that I am a computer tech guy he asked if I could fix it. So I went there, and his computer really did sound strange, and both the disk drive and the cdrom drive appeared to be dead. So I opened the case, unplugged the disk drive and the cdrom, and the strange sound was gone.
I opened the case and I found both the cdrom drive and the disk drive had turned green and brown with rust.
I'm in charge of the computer network in a small mall, which includes a cafe. The cafe had an old 386 desktop machine, handling billing. Originally, the machine was placed on the floor, elevated by a small wooden block, because that floor was washed daily. When I had to service that machine, I discovered the block was missing and the bottom of the machine was rusted, as if it came from the bottom of the ocean. (Surprisingly, it still worked.)
I have heard of computers which died from smoking. How about one which died of industrial disease?
A lot of years ago, a steelworks wanted to replace the old clunky PDP-11 which ran some of their production software with a little 8-bit micro. We modified the FORTRAN software (ugh!), installed it on a then-new Cifer machine, demonstrated it at our offices, and let the steelworks people take it away and install it.
Within a week, they complained that it had completely died. When we went to the site to look at it, we found that it had been installed not in the air-conditioned room where the PDP-11 had lived, but in a walled-off area on the foundry floor where one of its terminals had sat. This area had no roof, was between two large electric-arc furnaces, and was ankle-deep in clinker and rust.
The computer was almost too hot to touch. The sponges inside the fan unit were clogged with iron-oxide powder. The machine ran off two 5.25" floppy drives. We extracted the floppy disks with a gritty crunching noise and found them to be covered with the same rust powder and heated to the point where they were distorted at the edges. We didn't dare even try them in another machine to see if we could recover any data.
During a college course, we were being showed how to plug all the components of a PC together properly. Getting a little bored, I glanced over at the student next to me fumbling with all his cords and bending all the way over the desk to see the rear of the PC (apparently it was too difficult for him to turn it around). While he was doing so, I turned the brightness knob on his monitor all the way over so that when he finally got the cables plugged in the correct order, nothing was on his screen. I leaned over to "help." I said, "Let me see if this
A client called Wednesday afternoon. Her computer was dead. All our field techs were booked for the day, so we sent one out first thing Thursday morning. The problem was gone.
Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem.
Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem.
He brought the computer in for service. I ran the computer two days on diagnostics with no problem, and we returned the computer.
Next Wednesday she called again. Thursday morning the tech arrived. No problem.
The following Wednesday, we had a tech sit with her all day.
At lunchtime, she watered her plants, which, in turned out,
she did every Wednesday at lunch. The plant above the computer
I went on site for a system that had no display. I tried another video card, but the system seemed really dead. When I asked the user for more details, she said that someone had put a password on the CMOS, and she wanted to get rid of it. She had read in a PC repair book about using a jumper to clear the CMOS, which is true for some systems. But when she opened the case, she found quite a few jumpers on the motherboard. Undeterred, she began rearranging all of the jumpers (with the system turned on). Hard to say which component fried first. Oh well, time to upgrade anyhow.
I've worked in a software store for a couple years now. I've had more than person irate that we sold them a Playstation CD that doesn't work on a computer, a computer CD that doesn't work on a Playstation, and even someone who wanted Windows 95 for the Playstation. But none of these compare to this one user:
On Friday, a man came in, carefully browsed the store, and purchased a brand new copy of James Bond 007 for the Nintendo 64. I sold him a strategy guide to go with it at a 20% discount and sent him happily on his way. I happened to be working the next day when he stormed back in. He spotted me and came running down the store, vaguely resembling a freight train.
"You idiot! This" -- shoving the game in my face -- "doesn't work in my system! I couldn't make it fit at all! And I just brought the system brand new, so it's a bad game, and I WANT MY MONEY BACK BECAUSE YOU'RE SELLING BAD PRODUCTS!!!"
Well, it was within our seven day return policy, so I calmly accepted the package and proceeded to open it to make sure it was still in saleable condition. To my great astonishment, it had apparently been neatly trimmed down to around 3 1/2 inches with some sort of saw.
"Siiiir..? What happened to this game?"
"Nothing! I just cut it to fit in my Compaq! It should
work -- I just bought it!"
Our tech support had a guy call in about a bad powerbook monitor. It had tire treads on the left side of the screen. He repositioned his windows to the right, and it kind of worked. Apparently, the powerbook was on the hood of his car, fell off, and he backed over it. It still booted, but the tire marks were very visible on the screen.
A friend worked for a company that made IC's. Every few months, their yields would go down to about zero. Analysis of the failures showed all sorts of organic material was introduced in the process, but they couldn't figure out where. One evening, someone was working late and came into the lab. There he found the maintenance crew cooking pizza in the chip curing ovens!
We sold a new Pentium to a new customer. After only a day or two it was back in the shop. She was complaining about many errors she was getting in Windows: a number of general protection faults, disk read/write errors, etc. We brought the system to our shop, ran some tests...everything checked out fine, so we sent it back.
Again a call came in from her, complaining about the same errors. We ran some tests, everything was fine, and we sent the machine back. By the fourth call, we decided there must be something in her office that was causing the problems, so we asked her about microwave ovens, etc. Nothing like that was anywhere near her computer, according to her, so we sent a technician over to take a look. After five minutes on site the system worked fine. The technician removed the two dozen or so refrigerator magnets that she had been decorating her computer with.
Recently we were trying to talk one of our customers through an installation of an SBUS card in a Sun SPARCstation 20. About halfway through the install, at a point where we had the top off the machine and had been swapping RAM, moving hard drives, and moving SBUS cards around for a while, one of the people at the remote site commented that "funny things" were happening on her monitor. It was at that point that I realized that she had never turned the computer off.
I delivered and setup a PC in an office, gave some small training, and agreed to follow up a week later. When I returned, the monitor was off the top of the PC and a typewriter in its place. The secretary felt the PC made a better typewriter stand than her desk.
A customer called complaining that his keyboard no longer worked. The customer had cleaned his keyboard by submerging it for a day in warm soapy water in his bathtub.
All these anecdotes make me feel much better -- it's so comforting to know I'm not the only person surrounded by people who seem to lose multiple IQ points when in the presence of a computer. I teach Windows 2000, Novell, and Linux networking at a community college in South Africa, where a large percentage of the students coming through our doors are from rural communities only just receiving electricity, never mind computers and/or Internet access.
Some gems I've come across include one very sweet and well
mannered farm girl insisting on ending every console command
with "please," as she didn't want the computer to
think she was rude, a student who managed to bend a PS2 connector
out of shape enough to jam it halfway into a USB port using
nothing but his teeth
Once I was sitting at my desk, and a clerical worker came back and told me that her terminal was putting all sorts of garbage on the screen. I walked back to her desk/office and looked around -- there was a rather large wet spot on the floor, and an empty glass on the desk. I lifted the keyboard off the desk by the cord, and water literally poured
I once made the mistake of telling a customer to take his machine to a gas station and have them blow the dust out. I didn't figure on the gas station handing him a 150psi air nozzle that belches rusty water and oil.
One technician had forgotten to turn the printer off. What
happened? He lost his screwdriver, and it fell so awkwardly
that it shorted the electrolytics in the power supply. The resulting
current was so high, that it literally "welded" the
screwdriver to the connections, so that he afterwards could
carry the power supply out of the house just by lifting his
Once we had a customer bring his system into our service center. He seemed to know a little about computers but thought he was an expert, so as soon as I started to ask a few basic questions about his hard drive problems, he said, "Look, I know that it's the hard drive thats stick because when I do this it works again." As he spoke, he lifted the back of the tower off the bench by about four inches and dropped it.
My jaw dropped by about the same amount, and my supervisor, who was nearby at the time, just stared at the system. I recovered enough to say, "Well, we'll take care of it now, so why don't I just take that over here...."
Apparently he had been using this method to get his system going for the past three months, but lately it was not working as well as it used to. Surprise, surprise!
Someone called my teacher (who is also a consultant) for a network contract. The guy was complaining of endless timeout errors and slow performance, even though his network was small (25-30 computers) and had decent equipment. So my teacher showed up, and, to his great surprise, found that every cable (10baseT - cat5) had various numbers of knots tied in each end. Not small, loose knots but real tight ones. Some of the cables had over 20 knots in them. The boss explained that the guy who wired the network (who was unreachable) made knots in the cables so he could identify them. The first PC had the cable with one knot at each end; the second PC's cable had two knots at each end, and so on. Not bad for the first PCs, but the cable for the 20th PC, with a total of forty knots in it, wasn't in very good shape.
Hadn't this guy ever heard of a marker? Or stickers?
While working as the UNIX support for a major computer distribution company, I had more fun with the people in the warehouse then should be allowed. My pager went off with the message, "Program is down." I called to the warehouse lead, and as we entered the warehouse I saw the problem before we even get to the bay itself. The bay was gone. I don't mean missing, I mean destroyed. The printers were in pieces all over the floor, the table was spread out about twelve feet, and the Wyse terminal was hanging from one of the blades of a fork lift.
I looked at the guy incredulously, but he was perfectly straight-faced.
He wanted me to fix a bay they ran over with a construction
A couple of years ago I was working at a local regional railroad and was given the job of upgrading all the 486s to newer machines. One of my last upgrades required me to upgrade a machine the was infrequently used at the car shop. Now the car shop is where they repair all rail cars that are not locomotives. This naturally results in a lot of airborne particles (soot, metal shavings, dust, etc) and the contaminants not only covered the work area but also creeped into the office. They combatted this by cleaning the office frequently and mopping the floor nightly. Unfortunately the machine I was to upgrade sat on the floor. For five years. Specifically they had been mopping around the computer for 1825 days.
When I arrived to get the machine I discovered I couldn't budge it. A closer examination revealed five years of rust underneath it and five years of floor polish sealing it to the floor. A quick call to my boss confirmed that we could consider the machine "field destroyed" and take whatever steps needed to remove it.
Which was just as well, as it took two of us and half a dozen whacks of a sledgehammer to get it free. Out of morbid curiosity, we opened up the case (wasting another 30 minutes) to discover the entire bottom of the case had rusted away, but you couldn't tell because the inch deep accumulation of who knows what covered every square inch of the inside. No one had ever seen fit to blow out the dust bunnies...or dust lions, as they were in this case.
My Mom Taught
My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I
just finished cleaning!"
My Mom taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next
My Mom taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mom taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in
My Mom taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry
My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Mom taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My Mom taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you,
would you listen then?"
My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times
- Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world and I can take you
My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My Mom taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this
world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!"
Bumper Stickers and One Liners
saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
My kid knocked up your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
CAT----- The Other White Meat.
I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A$$holes.
I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles.
Why do they call it "taking a shit"?
You don't leave with anything, you leave something behind.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here.
It is when you stop believing in Santa Claus that you start getting clothes for Christmas!
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?>
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
I was on a date recently, and we went horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
'Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?". The crow answered: Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Comments made in the year 1957:
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't
be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A
quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office
is thinking about charging a
dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum
wage to $1, nobody will be able
to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some
baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just
to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see
the day all our kitchen appliances
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant
is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay
50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
Kurt Vonneguts's commencement speech to MIT students, 2001
Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been
proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more
reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But
trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall
in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how
you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed
your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4:00 p.m. on some idle
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people
who are reckless with yours.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes
you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in
doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.
The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to
do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe
you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't
congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices
are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of
what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should
hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle,
because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you
when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in
Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will
philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize
that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble, and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund.
Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one
might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply
it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the
past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and
recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen
The old Cherokee chief sat in
his reservation hut, smoking the
ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white
man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you
have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events,
in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and
then calmly replied.
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
* No taxes.
* No debt.
* Plenty buffalo
* Plenty beaver
* Women did the work
* Medicine man free
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time..."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he
could improve system like that."
One day God was
looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that
was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.
He thought for a moment and said,"Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion."
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that E-mail said?
You didn't get one either, huh?
Have a Great Day
God Bless America
It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks
to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain
and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed.
But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every
kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding
you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered
the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took
the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember,"
said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a Union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft. Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. - "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has. "
Here are some guidelines to assist others in understanding what it takes to be a Hoosier.
1. Know the state casserole.
The State casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's
cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can safely take
this casserole to any social event and know that you will be
>2. Get used to food festivals. The Indiana General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger athletes, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. . It is your duty as a Hoosier to attend these festivals and at least buy an elephant ear.
>3. Know the geography of Florida. I've run into Hoosiers who couldn't tell you where Evansville is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Hoosiers go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Hoosiers who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Indiana.
>4. If you can't afford to spend the winter in Florida, use the state excuse, which is that you stay here because you enjoy the change of season. You'll be lying, but that's OK. We've all done it.
>5. Speaking of Indiana weather, wear layers or die. The thing to remember about Indiana seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have spring like days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Indiana is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning.
>6. Don't take Indiana place names literally. East Enterprise has no counterpart to the West. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign city - Versailles, for example - you must not pronounce it that way lest you come under suspicion as a spy.
>7. Become mulch literate. Hoosiers love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a minimum. Failure to be knowledgeable in this area may result in suspicions you are a spy. Researchers think the state affinity with mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards.
>8. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Indiana, you have to be knowledgeable on three levels-professional, college and high school. The truly expert Indiana sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot center at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom, and what he got on his biology quiz last week.
>9. Remember that Hoosiers are never the first to embrace trends. When we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see a Hoosier with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust.
>10. The best way to sell something in Indiana is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork.
I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please let me know and I will bring a green-bean casserole to your house to make amends.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's CHILDREN'S Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol SLEEP Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
> > LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
> > PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
> THE GUARD ON DUTY.
> > Hotel, Acapulco:
> > THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
> > Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
> > COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
> PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
> > Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
> > WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
> MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE
> HIM WITH VIGOR.
> > Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
> > DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
> > Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
> > TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
> > In a Nairobi restaurant:
> > CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
> > On the grounds of a private school:
> > NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
> > On an Athi River highway:
> > TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
> > On a poster at Kencom:
> > ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
> > In a City restaurant: (Must be in Arkansas):
> > OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
> > One of the Mathare buildings:
> > MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
> > A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
> > DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
> > In a Pumwani maternity ward:
> > NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
> > In a cemetery:
> > PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
> > Sign in Japanese public bath:
> > FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
> > Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
> > GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
> > On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
> > OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
> > > >
> > In a Tokyo bar:
> > SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
> > In a Bangkok temple:
> > IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
> > Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
> > PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM
> > Hotel brochure, Italy:
> > THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE.
> > IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALLOVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS
> > Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
> > THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
> YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
> > Hotel elevator, Paris:
> > PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
> > Hotel, Yugoslavia:
> > THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID
> > Hotel, Japan:
> > YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
> > Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
> > NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF
> > Supermarket, Hong Kong:
> > FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
> > >From the 'Soviet Weekly':
> > THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
> PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
> > In an East African newspaper:
> > A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
> THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
> > Hotel, Vienna:
> > IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
> > An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
> > TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
> > Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
> > TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
> > Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
> > WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
> > In the window on a Swedish furrier:
> > FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.
> > The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
> > GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
> > In a Swiss mountain inn:
> > SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
> > Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
> > WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
> > A laundry in Rome:
> > LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE
> > AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Just like children.
You look around and before you know it, their gone.
Then they turn up, not only expecting you to extract them from the mess, but for you to clean up the mess as well.
And you do.
And it happens again later.
Soon, they are in their twenties and you hope and pray they don't turn up in another mess, not only expecting you to extract them from the mess, but for you to clean up the mess as well.
Unbelievable British Town and Place Names!
* Asick Bottom
* Bell End
* Bishops Itchington
* Bottom Head
* Bucklers Hard
* Bummers Hill
* Buttock Point
* Buttocks Booth
* Cock Bridge
* Cocklick End
* Cockpole Green
* Crook of Devon (Scotland)
* Duck End
* Foul End
* Great Fryupdale
* Great Snoring
* Happy Bottom
* Horsey Windpump
* Hungry Law
* Land of Nod
* Lickey End
* Lower Slaughter
* Nether Wallop
* New York
* Oldtown of Ord
* Once Brewed
* Pity Me
* Plucks Gutter
* Pratts Bottom
* Quaking Houses
* Rashy Height
* Ring of Kerry
* Shaggie Burn
* Sheepy Magna
* Skinners Bottom
* The Hard
* The O A
* Three Cocks
* Titty Hill
* Toe Head
* Tumby Woodside
* Upper Dicker
* Upper Thong
Unbelievable British Business Names
* Analar Standards
* A.R.S. Enterprises
* Balls Grinding
* Baps Homes
* B.A.P. Services
* Beer Construction
* Bol Lox
* Buma Machine Tools
* C.O.W. Services
* Cox Accommodation
* Cox Holdings
* Cumming Services
* Dick Lovett Group
* Dike & Son
* Doolittle & Dalley
* Dumbar Enterprises
* E. R. Badcock
* Erection Services
* Fani Couture
* Fanny Hides
* Fartes Industry
* Far Track
* Fat Tawts Charter
* Flange Entertainment
* Flappit Quarry Co
* F (UK)
* Gay & Son
* Hiscocks Beauty
* Hiscox Insurance
* Ho & Co
* Hoare Holdings Group
* Impact Driving
* Jizz Networks
* Klitgaard Trading
* Knobs & Knockers
* Kuntesh Enterprise
* Mike Hunt
* Mufs Consultants
* Pants Consultants
* Pen and Inc
* Peni Deli
* Pen Isar Coed Farm
* Ph-UK Inn Pubs
* Plopp Agentur Uwe Havekost
* Porn & Dunwoody (Lifts)
* Short Chat & Sides
* Sic Equipment
* Sing Fat
* The Cock
* Trumpers World
* T.Watts Waste
* VAG Fluid Controls
* Vulvar Ren
* Wang Fat
* Wankhiwal UK
* Wankumer Bauservice
* Willies Consulting